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i’m only doing this because i’m at my parents house until tomorrow so i don’t have anywhere to physically write this. i’m laying on the couch watching a breaking bad marathon. christmas was amazing. jake was here for my family party, and for christmas day, and i was at his parents for his family party. everything was really perfect.
now, because i am a neurotic and anxious and stressed human being as i always am, i just can’t get used to this boyfriend thing. i honestly don’t know when it’s okay to be frustrated or nervous or self conscious or worried. i don’t know when it’s okay to say ‘are you okay? is it something that i did?’ or when it’s okay to say ‘this is why i’m so frustrated’. on one hand, i know that this is only ever going to work if i talk, but on the other hand, if i talk too much, or come across as too neurotic or too annoying, then he’ll get annoyed and tired of me. i have a lot of things that i’m frustrated about that i couldn’t even BEGIN to explain, because i can’t even distinguish them in my own head. i know there’s a 99% chance i am psyching myself out like i always am, but i really don’t know what to do. i’m just so frustrated.
1. my flannel sheets
2. my kitty snuggling with me right now even though she doesn’t like snuggling at all
3. my best friend has been listening to me whine about the same thing for the past three weeks and she’s still genuinely concerned and making me feel better
4. mumford & sons pandora
5. ‘bleed red’ sweatpants
6. the a-team is always there
7. my students are going to wake up in the morning & be genuinely excited to come to school and see me
8. i get to give 5 of my kids math awards in front of the school and they’re going to be so excited
9. i’m not pregnant
10. annie’s going to go to happy hour with me tomorrow
11. not one of my students in any of my three classes has less than a C grade
12. my new coffee cup
13. stress relief tea in kelsey’s classroom to drink tomorrow
14. birthday in 14 days!
15. home to montville in 12 days. just 12 days.
16. james is going to have so much venison for me to eat.
17. the cowboys have a bye this week so i don’t have to watch them lose
18. i’m going to quit the bar soon & get a better second job
19. my friends are driving all the way from new york and jersey and massachussetts and maybe canada just to see me for my birthday
20. tomorrow is friday, then you have two days off.
21. johnny cash
22. my paper is almost done
23. my students really do love me
24. i don’t live in hartford anymore
25. i have the best parents & brother i could ask for, honestly
26. they put up with a lot of my shit. a lot.
27. it’s not yankees season anymore
28. there’s a lot more to worry about in this very moment in this life that are going to affect you for a lot longer than what boys love you right now.
29. i’m 22 & i have a job that a lot of adult teachers can’t get. and i’ve been wanting this job since i was 7. i’m literally living my dream.
30. i have money in the bank. not a lot but enough.
31. you have a job, you have amazing friends, amazing family, you’re alive, you’re not sick, you have a good sense of humor, you’re not too fat, your hair’s not too short anymore, your family is healthy, your friends are healthy. not one boy is ever worth crying about when you have these things.
i’m either feeling ‘alone with you’ by jake owen or ‘best i never had’ by beyonce. there are no in-between emotions.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
bad that all i can think of is monkey emojis?